Dear diary, dear world
Editor’s note: This article includes actual quotes from online journals. The names of the writers have been changed throughout. We have retained their personal style of writing, complete with spelling and grammatical errors, as this is an important part of the online experience.
Lauren is a typical Christian teen. Or at least it seems that way. She grew up in a Christian home, went to a Christian school for awhile, is active in church and youth group, and has been involved in a variety of missions projects. But what most people don’t recognize about Lauren is that she is hurting. Deeply. Unless of course they happen to know about her Xanga site. In fact those who read her journal entries at Xanga.com would get an entirely different picture, and might not even pick up on the fact that she is a Christian. Consider the following entries:
tonights been hell dads mad at [my brother] moms mad at dad [my brother is] mad at dad and im in the middle … endupcalling [my friend] several times shaking a lot and cutting myself to try and calm down man i hate my life sometimes. People should not be afraid of their parents
[my brother is] leaving. I hate myself I hate everyone. DAMMM THE WHOLE F-ING WORLD.
did I ever mention that I hate myself and I want to die. And im not worth the dirt that others walk on. Well incase I havnt I have said it now.
Meanwhile there’s Danielle. A 17-year-old student at a Christian school, Danielle apparently got in trouble at school for things she posted on her MySpace.com site. Her Web page features some in-your-face commentary as well as some rather provocative pictures of her in bathing suits, underwear and even posing seductively in her school uniform. Included is an open letter to her school and one particular teacher, criticizing them for their reactions to her site and those of her friends.
I am not sorry for who i am. Because who I am is beautiful and i have no apologies. It makes me sad that you feel you can shame people into being christians. I fear that it is because of people like you that people often despise christians.
I’ve heard the saying many times and now I’m starting to agree it’s not God I have a problem with it’s his fan club I can’t stand.
So if my page has offended you that is unfortunate. You have my permission to click the little green back button and leave my world.
Spilling it all online
These kids are just a few of the millions of teens worldwide who are sharing their lives with strangers online as part of one of the fastest-growing segments of the Internet: online diaries and journals. These diaries are a segment of the overall phenomenon known as “blogging” (short for “Weblog”), in which Internet users write online commentaries about anything and everything from politics and religion to the most mundane aspects of life. There was a time when girls would write their innermost thoughts and feelings in a diary, lock it up and hide it in their room. Now, kids take those same thoughts and post them on the Internet for all the world to see.
So how big is this phenomenon? While there aren’t any hard and fast numbers, it is estimated that MySpace hosts around 20 million user accounts (and as of May was the fifth-ranked domain with more page views than either Google or Hotmail!). Xanga has nearly 8 million users, while LiveJournal hosts over 7 million. And those numbers are growing. Then there are the smaller sites such as MSN Spaces (4.5 million users), Bolt.com (4.5 million users), as well as newer sites like Blurty.com, Hi5.com, the college-based Facebook.com and
When kids sign up for their own site they generally post some generic information about themselves and their interests. They might include photos, artwork and creative writing, as well as answers to the numerous quizzes that tend to propagate on the Web. Each of these sites has its own personality. Xanga, for instance, is heavy on “blogging” or diary entries. Teens will write very openly about what is going on in their lives, which might include problems with friends, parents, teachers or others, as well as discussing their sexual activities or use of alcohol, tobacco and drugs. While MySpace does have a “blog” feature, most of what goes on is “networking” or making friends. Once they establish friendships with other kids (whether they actually know them in person or not) they begin to comment on each others’ sites or about each others photos. A brief look at MySpace might lead you to believe that it is a “hook-up” service. Many of the comments kids leave for each other run into the “you’re so hott!” vein, and many of those end up being rather explicit. Users often take pride in customizing their sites in a variety of ways, from adding photos and pictures, to altering the color scheme. In fact, many of these kids will admit to be addicted or obsessed with their site, spending several hours each day adding and changing things, as well as commenting on their friends’ sites. Once they make “friends” online, they often exchange screen names for instant messaging, or even give out their phone numbers, and these online friendships can become rather intense.
Signing up is relatively easy as these sites offer free registration, though you can also opt to pay a small monthly or annual fee in order to have a “premium version” of the site with added features. Most of the sites also have minimum age requirements (13 for Xanga, 16 for MySpace), which are easy to skirt since there is no verification. It is not uncommon to find someone listing their age “officially” as anywhere from 16 to 99, only to have them boldly reveal elsewhere on their page that they are only 13 or 14. Some of the sites don’t even require a valid e-mail address. These are things that can contribute to some of the safety issues involved with these sites, as we will discuss later. Once you start looking you will be surprised how many of your kids actually have one or more online journals. In fact, I know very few kids who DON’T have such a site. These sites also have plenty of rules and guidelines as to what is appropriate or not, such as prohibitions on sexually explicit or offensive material. But this is hard to police.
Safety concerns
Needless to say there are some real safety concerns of which to be aware. More often than not, kids reveal a lot of personal information about themselves. At minimum they usually give out their first name, age and city location. Some even go as far as to offer their last name, school, birth date, and even their e-mail address or instant messenger screen name. These sites offer great opportunities for online predators. That 18-year-old boy might actually be a much older man looking for young girls. And with very little information culled from one of these personal Web pages, they can actually find these kids. But it’s not just the older online predators they have to worry about. Online relationships with peers can often become very intense to the point of considering those they have met as their “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.” This can lead to inappropriate relationships based solely on emotion and outward appearance, often manifesting itself in online or “cyber” sex. While these sites usually have policies prohibiting sexually explicit language or pictures, there is plenty of indecent material to be found. Many young teen girls will post pictures of themselves in their underwear or in suggestive poses.
In addition, these sites can also be fertile soil for “cyber-bullying.” I am often amazed at how open kids are as they name names and complain about how they have been treated by other kids, knowing full well that those same kids may be reading what they have written. It is not uncommon to read very specific information about how so-and-so is cheating on his girlfriend, or something else of that sort. As kids read what their peers have written they can easily feel picked on and may use their own sites to retaliate “verbally.” Small arguments can easily escalate into threats and actual physical harm. MySpace, in cooperation with www.wiredsafety.org, actually has a very good section addressing the many safety issues related to the Internet
As parents and youth leaders who love the kids under our care, we need to closely monitor their online behavior and set guidelines for what is and is not appropriate. Many kids create these sites assuming that only their friends and other teens will be seeing them. They do not see the potential dangers and therefore often lack discretion when interacting with others online or putting information on their site. Which brings us to the next step: How do we interact with our kids and their Web sites in a way that protects them and prepares us to minister to them?
Ministry touch points
It is important that we be aware of these online diaries and examine them closely as we walk through the
As we journey through the Web pages and writings of our kids we need to remember a few things.
First, while they are writing their thoughts and feelings in a very open and accessible forum, they still view their “journal” as private. They write for themselves and their friends. While some won’t mind the inquiring eyes of adults, many feel that their sites should be off-limits to the adults in their life. Be sensitive as you read, and even more sensitive if you choose to discuss their writings with them.
Second, we need to realize that what we are reading is usually very real. Most of what the kids write is truth as they see it. If they talk about smoking marijuana, odds are they have actually done it. While some writing may be embellished, most is an accurate depiction of what is going on in their lives. You will learn about what they think and feel, about issues as diverse as family life, spirituality, sexuality, relationships, school and more. The kids I work with in my church are all very aware that I am reading their Xanga sites, but that doesn’t seem to effect what they write. They expect that I will talk to them about what I read, but they also know they can trust me. We have an understanding that I am not there to squeal on them to their parents, unless of course I believe there is something serious enough to warrant that. And even in those more extreme cases, I would only go to the parents after I have spoken to the kid and feel that I have exhausted all other avenues of recourse. Sometimes if I see something that bothers me, I will lovingly confront them. Usually I can make the teen understand why something might be inappropriate, but this is only after building bridges and creating an environment of trust and respect. Having said that, we should also realize that some of the “drama” in their lives may be manufactured. I know kids who are generally happy and come from good homes, but they use their online world to “create” drama. “Drama” is a big word in today’s youth culture. In order to fit in, some kids may exaggerate the problems in their life in order to get attention. We need to be able to discern when this drama is real, perceived or merely manufactured.
Third, we need to be very realistic and prepared for anything. Walking through the online diaries of your kids may be very eye opening and perhaps discouraging. Our kids may actually be leading very different lives than the ones they show us at home or in church. We need to be prepared for disappointment. Look particularly for clues about their spirituality. On one site I found a girl who talked very openly about her faith and how important God was to her as a Christian. Unfortunately she also talked about getting drunk and making out with other girls, as well as her belief in horoscopes, reincarnation and ghosts.
Fourth, we must realize that these sites often serve a good purpose. Kids who don’t feel they can talk to their parents or youth pastors may use their Web page as a catharsis, allowing them to get their feelings out in a very real and positive manner. These sites can also be an outlet for creativity. Earlier this year when an area 15-year-old girl took her own life, many of her friends used their Xanga sites to work through their feelings, while others created new sites to pay tribute to their friend.
Fifth, we need to know how we are going to use the information we find as we minister to our kids. A two-pronged approach can be very effective. This allows us to minister to our kids on a one-to-one basis, discussing with them what we have read, while also using this information to minister to our teens as a group, giving us ideas for issues that need to be discussed from a biblical perspective.
Online journals are a valuable resource we can use to gain valuable insight into what is going on both in the lives of our own teens, as well as the youth culture in general. Let’s use this tool in order to minister more effectively to the kids under our care.
Related Article: Finding them online: A step-by-step approach to navigating their online world.
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©2005, The Center for Parent/Youth Understanding